Eyewear is very pleased to welcome the young British poet (pictured provocatively above with Union Jack) Catherine Woodward this Friday. Woodward was born in Ormskirk, Lancashire and has lived most of her life in Preston. Her first collection Delusions of Grandeur was published by Ettrick Forest Press and her poetry is soon to appear in Ettrick's coming anthology The Reiver's Stone. She is currently studying English Literature and Creative Writing at the University of East Anglia. She is a member of UEA's Creative Writing society and a part of its spoken word events. She lives in the city of Norwich. I found this poem delightfully apt for a rather blustery London day.
The BBC Weather Report Predicts the Death of Catherine Woodward
A blonde woman came on the screen all smiles
‘On Wednesday we can expect the death of Catherine Woodward.’
I remember thinking at the time
That she was wearing really ugly shoulder pads.
‘The death should occur at about three in the afternoon,
There will be low pressure over the North West
And some really dark clouds in the East.’
The woman pointed to some digital clouds
And her shoulder pads obstructed Norwich.
‘Expect backups on the A59,
It’s going to be a big one,
With patchy showers of fish across Manchester
And a blue flash of light over the Scottish highlands.’
I took a big gulp of my very hot tea.
‘The meteorological office has issued severe weather warnings
And advised against panic buying.
There will be no more weather predicted
After the death of Catherine Woodward.
And now Strictly Come Dancing.’
As Bruce Forsyth came on
I fetched my umbrella from the hall,
It’s the English way to always carry an umbrella
Whatever the weather,
And only then did I think how little it mattered.
poem by Catherine Woodward